Raising Mentally Strong Kids #5: Teach Your Kids How To Solve Their Own Problems

Score conversation Number five, teach them problem solving skills. Many parents love their kids so much that they never want them to suffer and end up doing way too much for them thinking that is love, but it is not. If you do too much for them, they’ll never develop a sense of competence and will always struggle with their self-esteem. Let kids make mistakes, learn from them and pay the consequences for their actions, especially when they are young and the price is cheap. When our daughter, Chloe was seven, homework was a struggle every night. Her mother sat with her for hours and encouraged her to get it done. Then Tana took the Parenting with Love and Logic course, the same one you’ll find in the program materials. And within weeks, she was completely out of the homework battles. As she took the course, Tana realized she was enabling Chloe to fight with her by not making her responsible for her own homework. Yes, even at age seven, when parents take responsibility, they subtly send the message that kids are not capable. Here’s how this core conversation went. One night, Tana told Chloe she would never ask her to do her homework again. She had completed second grade and it was Chloe’s work to do. If she was okay with the consequences of not doing her homework, such as the teacher being disappointed in her or not going out to recess, that was her choice. Or if she really didn’t do her homework, then she would make new friends. When she repeated second grade furious, Chloe said, I never said I wouldn’t do my homework. I’m just not going to do it now. And she stormed off. 20 minutes later, she came back downstairs, did her homework by herself, and Tana never had to ask her to do it again. In the same way, if Chloe forgot her lunch or her homework, or didn’t bring a sweater with her on a cold day, Tana would not bring them to her. It was on Chloe to be responsible. Chloe only forgot those things once or twice, and she paid the price for it. These are called affordable consequences. It is better to let kids make mistakes when the consequences are minor, so they learn responsibility. It might seem harsh, but it is actually very kind. Teaching people to be responsible for their Lives gives them one of the greatest gifts anyone can receive a sense of personal agency or feeling competent and in control of their own destiny. Chloe held all of the responsibility and healthy anxiety about her schoolwork and ended up graduating from high school with Straight A’s and is now about to graduate from college. She is one of the most capable people I know. Raising mentally strong kids requires you to first allow your kids to solve their own problems. You can be a good coach and offer suggestions if they’re open to it, but only after they’ve tackled the issue. Love and Logic has a four step process to helping kids solve their own problems. One, provide a strong dose of empathy. Say something like This has gotta be so hard. Two, hand the problem back to them in a loving way. What do you think you’re going to do? Then stop as inactive listening and wait for them to respond. Three, if they say they don’t know, ask if they’d like to hear what other kids have done. If they say yes, share two or three options and then four, allow kids to solve the problem as they see fit within appropriate boundaries. Say something like, I can’t wait to hear what you decide. I believe in you. When they bring you a problem such as I’m board or I’m broke, ask them how they’re going to solve it. Then be quiet long enough for them to really think about it and problem solve on their own. Self-esteem comes from self-efficacy.