Raising Mentally Strong Kids #3: Bonding

Core conversation Number three, bonding. Do you want your children or grandchildren to pick your values? Do you want to influence them in a healthy way? If so, you need to have a close bond with them. When I turned 18, it was 1972. I know it’s a long time ago. It was the first time I could vote. My dad told me if I voted for Senator McGovern for president, the country would go to hell. As I said, we didn’t have a close relationship and he didn’t have much influence over me. I voted for McGovern and the country went to hell, but it had nothing to do with Senator McGovern. Watergate was a dark time in our history. The point is you have no influence with without connection, and great relationships require two things, time, actual physical time. I had very little of that with my dad and active listening, which was not his strength time. Parents are spending less time with kids than ever before. Two parent working families are now the norm and digital distractions, even when families are together, are contributing to a heightened sense of loneliness among kids and young adults. How much time are you spending with your kids and grandkids? One of my favorite exercises that pays the biggest dividends is special time. Spend 20 minutes a day with your kids doing something they’d like to do, and during that time, no commands, no questions, and no directions. It’s just a time to be together, not to teach or correct. If, for example, you’re playing a game and the child starts to cheat, you cheat, reframe her behavior. I see you’ve changed the rules of the game. I’ll play by your rules during this time. Listen way more than you speak. One of my favorite special time stories was with Carl, the head of a hospital I worked for when I was a young child psychiatrist. He had his daughter, Laura, later in life, and told me that at two, she just didn’t wanna have anything to do with him. He said, in a gruff voice, that’s normal, right? Girls just want their mothers that age. No, Carl. I said, you are ignoring her, which is why she wants her mother do this. Then I told him about special time. He said, that won’t work. He tended to be oppositional and Argumentative. Oh, great. I replied, you hired an idiot. Do it exactly as I say, and your relationship with law will be closer in just a few weeks. I am putting you in my schedule to call you in three weeks, so get the party started. When I called to check up on how things were going, three weeks later, he said, Laura won’t leave me alone. As soon as I walk in the door, she grabs my leg and she wants her time. All she wants to do is be with me. Relationships require time no matter what the child’s age. You can do this today. Schedule 20 minutes of special time with your kids every day. The more you do it, the closer you will get. It’s like money in the relational bank. Now, let’s talk about active listening. It’s a basic skill that’s disappearing. People spend their days talking over each other rather than truly listening. When you listen, you connect. In order to get your children and grandchildren to talk with you, you must first show that you’re willing to hear what they have to say. Active listening is very simple. Repeat back what you hear and then stay quiet long enough for the kids to continue talking and listen for the feelings behind the words. Too often parents tell kids how to think or feel before they really understand the situation. This cuts off communication and lessens the chances the child will come to you in the future. Here is an example. If my son came home and said, I wanna have blue hair, what would your father have said? I know what my dad would’ve said. As long as you live in this house, you are not going to have blue hair. But what does that do? It ends the conversation or starts a fight. Active listening teaches you just to repeat back what you hear. Sounds like you wanna have blue hair and be quiet long enough for the child to continue and listen for the feelings behind what he or she says. He might say, all the kids are wearing their hair that way. I don’t know what your father would’ve said, but I know what mine would’ve said. I don’t care what anyone else is doing. As long as you live in my house, you are not going to have blue hair. If they’re going to jump off a bridge, are you going to go with them again? This sets up a fight or causes the child to withdraw. Active listening teaches you repeat back what you hear. Sounds like you wanna be like the other kids. The child might then respond with something like, sometimes I feel like I don’t fit in. Maybe changing the color of my hair will help. This is a completely different conversation and likely the one that is more helpful to have. By actively listening, you open up communication and increase connection, which protects the child’s mental health. Now, at the end of 30 minutes, if my son still wants to have blue hair, I am likely to say, not as long as you live in my house. There are certain standards that are okay and some that are not. If I have taken the time to listen, even when I say no, my children are more likely to accept the boundaries. Time and listening will dramatically improve the bond between you and your kids or grandkids. My grandfather was a great listener.